Boundary passing: Notion #3

Residential parking lawns, open roads, concrete pavements, dusty streets and diverging branches of paths were bustling. Along the numerous tiny huts and crude set-up camps of various local shops was the huge sidewalk zone which was entirely occupied with thousands of people, every afternoon. The air was as dry as an empty aquarium with a running vacuum in it, and the sun beamed uncontrollably hot that day. I knew for sure a tan on all over my face and arms would differ much of my skin when I look at myself in the mirror, right after the zesty visit at the bazaar in Sarikin.


When some of the other families of the convoy were about to leave the bazaar, my family and I had just arrived shortly after some delays that happened in the morning departures (Mom needed to exchange her money into local currencies and the annoying part was there wasn't much Money Changers in here)


         Anyway....


The people here were many, as I mentioned. Majority of them were locals, but the tourists weren't left little in fact there were also a lot of them, especially from Brunei!


When I appeared with a sudden temptation to flee back to the car, because the heat in the air was irritatingly blinding, I stumbled upon an old friend. He looked as bald as how he usually have become ever since long before he transferred to another high school, and that was the time I became as distant as a fading daylight reaching to the grounds, to him.


Despite all that had lost, I've taken the chance to actually share our news respectively. Likewise, he told me that he had departed from Brunei since Friday. Regardless of being notably annoying, it had been a long time I haven't seen him since then.. without anything to know about each other's updates. And the ever similar thing before that happened was I having the need to talk to someone who I've known being in the same school like I was. Currently, it may feel terrible.. but routinely, it's a mere tradition to worry about.


Then I parted from my fellow and resumed whatever the survey my mom was doing. Round and round, from smaller shops to bigger shops on both sides, left and right, then to another smaller ones. At the far end of the market looked pretty much denser when I saw even more people appeared out of the blue from a point of sight. I could have tell that a horde of shoppers came from an exodus from an endless source out of nowhere.


As far as I was concerned, I believed that this survey was gonna be a never-ending phase of the vacation time, under the sun.

Speaking of the survey, the markets around there were selling varieties of items and merchandises. Most of the shops were selling one type of variety of those which comprises stalls selling glasses and shades, cutleries, bags, accessories, shirts and dresses, pyjamas, boxers and lingeries, food and drinks, traditional medicines, garishly inexpensive music instruments (especially the traditional ones), hardwares, homewares, woven baskets, flowers and ornamental plants and even children's toys.



Counting how many shops I could count was already as tiring as walking into every each one of them, just to ease up a slight boredom that was slowly growing in myself.

But everything started to cheer up things in here..
when I came across a toy stall where there was this little girl involved.

She was cute. Silky-smooth long haired. Fair skin. Hazel coloured candy eyes and the best thing was she was adorably tiny. As tiny as any lovely youngster you could've imagined that you wished she was your little angel.



When there she was with her mother's hand in hers, she had this bubble blower in the other. Lovely as it was to see those sphere-shaped sparkles floating across the path zone and its ever appealing gleam from that thing. I stood lowly among the passing crowd and surprised to notice the rather amusing and pleasant fun that later began to gain attention to the local children and caused a widespread interest to them and I. Besides their poverty-looking behaviours, the children were amazed as the little girl's frolics with, seemingly, the only toy them young folks would probably find that entertaining.


That very enthusiasm from the children...
made me feel greatly rejoiced. Pleased by every sight of the glimmering bubbles,
                                                      swiftly floating under the bright heavenly sky.

This had went for like another 5 minutes, that I stayed rigid, looking at it.

The tiny group were having a blast altogether until the girl's mother broke out the fun for them. I pretty guessed it that it would end any sooner. And how miraculously funny it was for the crowd of local children waving back to the girl who seemed so caring, she might have thought that she'll be back to play with them again once more. The mother cracked a smile as well and then exited to the left, along with her daughter who left happily after.

 Gosh.

All I must say was that it had been painfully enlightening to see such proximity having an amusement amidst a place where I thought I would leave without something to put up with my boring visit.


You had no idea for me to describe that..

..all of my worries have now vanished like a pop of a bubble..

 

Boundary passing: Notion #2

The moment when we left the gas station somewhere along some driveway, the feeling as I wait while being in the Cruiser resembled into some sort of a sensation, involuntary by the background to the eye, that I found familiar with..


I first realized it as I opened the car door and then spotted the old black leather bag, which I used to bring with me to somewhere I've had gone to most of my past lifetime, right next to my seat. This perpetually gave me the impression of an awkward look right after I got into the seat, with the bag now on the lap of mine. I held the bag.. and slowly it recalled what seemed to be the things that I did almost everyday before the usual arrival to a destination - School.


I felt alive again after a lapse of ten minutes, just contemplating what ambiance like that was giving me. Unmistakably, sitting there, I visualized a flashback. The notion clung to my mind as it was so remarkably worth the reminisce.

Back then, every morning when it was time for School, the bag had to be on my lap and just deserved some clutching of books and files filled inside the bag, around my arms, and wishing it was as comfortable as how a bed feels like, where my disfunctional sleeps belong to. It's routinely an occurrence to have my sleeps deprived during the night and also receiving in turn its unkind feedbacks in the following morning.

In the present time, I was having one of those feedbacks again along with some uncommon issues -- a peculiar feeling in the stomach combined with twinges of motion sickness. Despite of all those, it felt uncanny yet welcoming as I realized that all these had happened recently when facing myself against the wind from the air conditioner on the left. It felt so familiar. My mind riveted back to the old memories again - the morning departures for School.


Usually right after I got inside the car, I front my dull bored eyes with my damp hair towards the air conditioner, reaching to the chilly air where it was blown, merely to find a sort of entertainment in cooling down my face. I even imagined how would the birds feel to the powerful gust just hitting right onto their faces as they soar. How can they not feel tensed from all that? All I ever aspire is to be as carefree as them. Just forgetting the world around you while stubbornly fly onward, leaving behind the vile and old, to the uncovering of the new greatness in the open vasts.


Sorry for the sidetracking.


Then things started to feel sad. The occurring day lapsed for four hour long of me missing the school years I've had along with so many sincere people I've met in my life, in the next journey stopping by at Mukah. The feeling of expatriate suppressed onto the notion I was having.

Strained, I had to cut this out.

7.58pm ; arrived

Boundary passing: Prequel

2 in the morning, or somewhere before that..


I was in my ever so-cluttered bedroom, and amidst all the hectic work that not only took over the equanimity in the tiny place but also the whole kitchen, living rooms, the small hallway upstairs, and my parents' bedroom, I laid still and restless. Even if there were more things that needed to be packed up, I could scarcely urge myself to do so. I was too disinclined to help it, besides knowing that I never want to strain the whole of me from such a preparation.



Unlike my busy Mom hurling with the empty baggages to and fro in a way like she's in a foot race while stuffing shirts, jeans, pajamas, her veils and her lingeries necessarily inside it. Not forgetting the kitchenwares, she usually handles it all with care specifically for those that involves with 'food' and 'necessities'. It doesn't bother me that much or that often, not only if I couldn't take an effort to do the same thing for my own.


Anyways.. I could see how virtually devoted I am with social sites and online entertainments, regardless. By courtesy of my Dad who installed the router for our home, I thank him (and it) for permitting me to seize the opportunity. That was why I spent time, instead of readying, giving several greetings through the Internet to the people whom I'll miss seeing them available on the line. Knowingly the impending chances of being incapable to stay 'available' as them, may arrive to come about afterwards, I spent the whole night until the last hour before dawn took over, and before the departure.


I began to feel even more reluctant to pack up my luggage for not only that.


Before this, Dad has been practically occupied with his hands all on our ever-similar Land Cruiser. Traditionally, the large hefty automobile used for any road trips and is capable to keep a bulk full of suitcases when a set of long, arduous, maybe strenuous days hits our stuffs into the back of the car and get ourselves strapped onto the seats to set off for, nonetheless, an adventuresome vacation around Kalimantan.


Yes, it was finally happening.. again. My parents and I hadn't had a week-long vacation that recently, until friends of Dad agreed with him to venture about. The last one was since a year ago, coincidently occurred in the same month as this trip.



I could say, December has a way to offer its time of the month ordinarily for us to take relieves, if that was from a someone, comforting me. But ironically I couldn't see that intention laid precisely to our resolution. In fact, most of the time that I encountered were just more additions to one's fatigue. I knew that I might sound pessimistic, but admittedly it's just.. discombobulating and amusing altogether to one's mind like mine.


You see.. for me, I got homesick easily.. and supposing that it happened, I'd tend to feel ill at ease, restless, anxious, unsafe..  you name it. It always had to do with 'worry'. I'd grizzle to myself of home, family, friends, and some sort of other things. And it co-occurred with having to cower away from the biggest fear I could not bear to even imagine; being lost. It's just too embarrassingly funny to see these listed as I express on. You might have literally think of me whining "I wanna go home," prematurely. Honestly, I wouldn't care of whining, but damn, I wished for why I would.



For years, I've been getting these all manner of weeny problems towards being not around hometown. It was and had been my childhood fear, when a little I was, who found himself in a place crowded with locals and felt deserted because he wasn't like one of them. Cunning and compelling questions became so many and began to stray within the juvenile's mind of his. Stricken by fright, he clutched his mother's hand tighter so that he knew he'd feel safer in a more dependable and firmer touch while hoping that her contact won't fail him.


But then again, things like these began to feel as if it relented itself to appear less daunting than how usually it serves..



Because I've figured ways to retain myself from such dismays. Realizing that mere excuses aren't supposed to be reasons for all the grouching towards this guiltless voyage, it's credibly astounding that it's not that hard to be able to retaliate the fright that discourages any further way. As the matter of fact, it's never wise to put down what the possible prospects may have pledged for your salutary anticipations that you've put aside.



The solemn mind that popped into my head tried its best to console myself and remarkably, it worked the hell out of me. Resolution like this would have persisted my ever-growing will from having it scarred from such imbecility.



Hiatus; the warm water shower and the cold dawn air agitated my senses, my mind was now in absolute ease and somewhat traced a slight progression already. It's as if you've learned something already. Even though it, the vacation, hasn't started yet, it seemed like it's about to begin.



I checked, and certainly it has.



I reach for my packed luggage, dash down the stairway and unite with my parents. With earnest, I pray for a safe trip as I close my eyes and sharply exhale the anxiety in exchange with the breathtaking adventure that awaits, right after hopping into the vehicle gracefully for departure.

Vague inklings

I bought a one way ticket

cause I knew I'd never see the ground

unless I was aboard a jet plane, and we were going down

  

When I wiped the tears from my eyes,

the warm water took me by surprise

and I woke up beside the ocean, I realized..

I must be in California. 

Well...... Not really California. And yes, it was just, again, a vision

Lately, back into my daydreaming, I was still in the chill-breeze-ill state, like it was as if I gagged myself with dry ice in the middle of a nowhere desert. But enough of that, anyways. So I was cold, and I've been having like two or three perpetual dreams I've ever had so far. All held out and eventually put them all out as a whole as it resumes.


There was this pyramid that involved, it was as if a mere festive occurring amidst an undergoing pilgrimage. There were people. Civilised-looking people. I repeatedly questioned myself if it was day or night. Can't really say when, where, or what it really was but there wasn't anything religious reviewing back in there so I guess it's one safe dream it seems hehe.

But the thing is! I dreamt of You. In there! yeah. The gist of all was that there was a changing back in the view of how I see you. It's as if.. you came out of a closet and abruptly, i see you in a different light. Somewhat, there was a salutary alteration in a reverie itself.

In my dream, we had to hug. There was a little strong affection going on in between those very tiny bits of other things in ourselves. It was such an awkward task that was told from someone of somewhere, somewhere like a place deep inside that we both might have been familiar with. Was it.. ...? I would JUST hope you have the similar notion as what I have in mind as well.

Afterwards that wonderment, the time held back from elapsing

Out of the blue, you applied your unbearably devotion.

 you seemed committed to some purpose, yearningly

Feelings of an ardent love I would have conceive you have shown

You were just.. smiling. Kept on smiling.

And finally. Everything started to feel numb. I couldn't feel your arms anymore. 

Exaggeratedly, your scent I sensed slowly fades away.

Then in a flash,

I've met myself alone again. Fully unmesmerized from my rest.

Yes. I was pretending you were there again. Like the times when you were still there. Like how I would even see you in downtown and in the cities. Your hair swayed, increasing my attention, and coincidently at the same time when I actually needed somebody like you. Your eyes gaining irresistibility, I never wanted to take away the sight that it seemed so darting in a way to me. I wonder so awfully, the beauty that lies beyond that eyes. If that's already seductive, then I wonder how colourful the scene your heart portray. A scene with the colours evincing those indefinite picturesque reverence of yours that anybody or anyone wouldn't even bear to fully agnize those incoherent means of love, except for those sincerely ones who has the true will, able to empathize the sweet, tender value.

 I even fear if there was actually a list for that, because, I've fallen to my face in shame of failure and unnecessarily expelled by the urge of my dignity. But optimistically, I still have one slim chance left to resolve.

Somehow, I strongly wish and feel like bringing back those old times and probably take a chance with you back home. If there was a myth that broke out, introducing the occult itself to me, and grant its magical abilities of some sort regarding time. I honestly will risk it all by all means for you.

How long has it been like this? 

The longing of you actually brings out rather uncanny dreams to me 

and it seems to be bringing itself to an upmost new level, 

that it triggers the realization in myself..

and I don't need to elaborate myself
there's no need for questioning anymore

as I already know

the answer lies ahead,

What's there without you here?

                                                                .............. nothing..

Exactly.

Parting

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I just woke up actually. At this time.

11.32pm

                                                This meaaaaaaaaaaaaaans,

                                                A long night waiting ahead of me. Again.

I hope I didn't jynxed that though. But, heh, I can care less anyway! 

Oh. So I was just taking a nap earlier. Cause if my limbs weren't stiff and tired I wouldn't be so much of in fatigue and take a rest stop at the WRONG TIME. Yeah. I slept in the evening around 8 and woke up around 11. So..

when I actually realized that after I woke up..

I've become like one of this guy right there.
For some absolute no comprehend-able idea why

Even now I feel like it's morning. And although I might think that would sound weird but if I told you that I felt so good and refreshed and say that I felt like today's a morning after that then... you might call it at precise rate that it may sound double as it is weird for me to say.



Oh, and I've never had too much of the 'morning freshness' every time I woke up from bed. But simply, right now and still, I've felt it like it was morning a while ago. Wouldn't it be nice when you woke up from the bed and still wearing your favourite jeans that after you overworked it with a lot of walking and running with your friends, hanging around in the mall? Well, it does for me.. and that usually happens when I was out like a light.

And finally it was now for me to tell you that I just had a hangout with my dear friends in the Mall and went to watch a movie and just.. roam around the community. The fact that has been known by hard about how it is unlikely possible to meet each other again.. or meeting each other with our school uniforms ever again. It's sad as it will cease. But, I say that, we all human beings with feelings to stumble around with the resolution to this matter in addition, should actually bear the consequences whether it's a pitiful side in the other hand or a pleasing side. Mostly would actually find it saddening, I do not know for people so malefic tend to have for someone's back. 

Anywho, I can't express on so much about how I will miss the people that I've longed studied with. The people that I've longed enjoying jokes and interesting chats with. The people that I've longed savour for the long upcoming exemption alongside. The people that I've longed for to celebrate with after the aftermath of what we have longed to study for, with the merriment of joy. Because when the final exams are over, we earn our treasures truthfully and finally; Freedom. And often not much of people would initially think about the fears towards the fact about unable to see each other again any longer, in a hefty, packed, full combination of ourselves, a group, a team, and safe to call it, as a class.

As much to how saddening it is to me inside. I fear for them as they would part ways as I will, I would be missing them too. I have been spending a lot of times with the ones I cherish my time with. Most of them are just as equal to me. They're my friends if you know the heck I'm saying.
 I love you all, too much, I'll talk excessive crazy things..

Sometimes. 

Yeah. As soon as it's over. We'll part ways and have it our own ways.

And now's the time.

Dear Friends,

I'll miss you